Rain again and the same old story

I am not getting any luckier it seems I am stuck up with this pain,not so long ago I decided to take ashort trip to Horten That is where my two little kids live,I thought,Icame over the turbulent days of my life and could possibly face,visiting the kids ,but as I approached the village ,my heart felt like being squeezed,my blood preaure rose to heights,and I could feel the rush of adrenalin into my body,my God I started to sweat all over my body though the temperatures were,under one degree cellisus,It felt like I was going to faint.I hurreiedly went into a bar sat down and tok a glass of water,I was really struck by panic.Isat there for a while as Irecollected, myself, and started to gather my energy.I then called afreind that drove me quickly away from Horten to ,Tønsberg where I spent the over in couch in his small cotage,Icould not sleep that night.It was very horrible to be so close to my kids and not visit them.Becouse of the agony that their bitch of amother caused me using the kids in a conlict,she is in my eyes a monster,so selfish ,and ruhless,that she is blind to pain that she is causing her kids a painthat would be difficult for them to recover from,making them a fatherless kids at times Iit crosses my mind yhat afterall they are not propbly my children for how could she otherwise wnat to have them only for herslf when she knows and I pointed out that Ilove my children to me it is and will always remain amystery ,I can understand that she wnts to enjoy the benefgits of a singel mother,and get much money but weighed aginst the childrens loss of theire father,she would be the ultimate loser,and the kids too.Well I am just so upset I can not continue I am shaking with rage,every I start either talking or writting about my deep feelings my whole body starts to burn, it is as if though wild fires are raging through me.well che sara sara I think I will have to give up and surrender,console myself, and accept destiny. my